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Blondes to the moon

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

Post astro jokes, Just keep them clean.:eartoear:

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Q: How does Santa deliver presents all over the world on Christmas Eve?

A: With Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.

:Chessy_Smile:

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I have been saying this one for years.

My mum must have always known I would be into astronomy, because when I was a kid and her friends would say "how's Ray", she would say "he's taking up space".

:Chessy_Smile:

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LOL, you guys are hilarious! :) :) :)

All I could think of is the old elementary school joke about Captain Kirk being a lot like toilet paper - because he's been known to circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons...

Sorry.

-Noel

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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To Quote Monty Python

"Let's hope there's intelligent life somewhere out there in space

because theres's @#$$%!-all here on Earth!":duh:

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Aquarius: There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.

Pisces: Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.

Aries: The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus: You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Gemini: Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer: The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.

Leo: Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

Virgo: All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick.

Libra: A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.

Sagittarius: All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them). Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn: The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.

Medusa

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A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

:eartoear:

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Two aliens, Zathar and Caad, landed in the Simpson desert near an abandoned petrol station.

They approached the petrol pumps and Zathar said to it "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader. "

The petrol pump, of course, did not respond.

Zathar repeated the greeting and there was still no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived as the petrol pump's haughty attitude, Zathar drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you dare ignore us this way? Take us to your leader now, or I will be forced to fire upon you."

Caad began to warn his comrade, "No, you must not anger him................", but ...before he could finish his warning Zathar fired upon the petrol pump.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness (aliens have tough skin) Zathar turned to Caad and said "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you determine it to be so dangerous?"

Caad answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels throughout the galaxy, it is that if a guy has a Bobs Knobs he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don't mess with him."

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My mum must have always known I would be into astronomy' date=' because when I was a kid and her friends would say "how's Ray", she would say "he's taking up space".[/quote']

Copernicus' parents set him to thinking by telling him that the world didn't revolve around him!

A few years back I was working for a film and video production company which put out a monthly videotape distributed to remote stations and communities. It had many segments, including finance, stock reports, town and community profiles,etc. and a monthly weather report. ????

A local comic delivered it, and on one occasion said "Now for celestial activity. It's up in the air at the moment, but we do know that Saturn has a swollen ring and Uranus is where it was last night!"

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"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder where you are.

Looking up is no solution;

The sky's so full of light pollution."

Medusa

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A none-too-bright amateur astronomer had always wondered where the Sun went at nightfall so he spent an entire night pondering the answer to this question.

Suddenly it dawned on him. :duh:

Cheers Jason :pipethinker:

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A man has six children...

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

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Howdy All

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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lol, that's pretty funny mate (not for him though). :thumbsupmate:

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

lol, classic. :thumbsupmate:

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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

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A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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Old Peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts!

"I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

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Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

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